


Ineffable

by DrizzlyMango



Series: What in Carnation [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst/Fluff, Character Death, Coping, Death Acceptance, F/M, Gen, M/M, Pain, Past Character Death, can be read as a stand alone i guess., fluff?, journal entries?, man this hurts to write, the notes left behind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:01:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrizzlyMango/pseuds/DrizzlyMango
Summary: Lance's thoughts on death, his coming to terms with it, and his personalized goodbyes. Everything or as much as he could tell the others in his parting.lots of poetry references?





	1. 1. Let the Witch Hunt begin

On the inside cover of the faux leather journal, a rich royal blue complimenting the dusty pink pages, stretching across the first page front and back, they saw Lance’s messy scrawl: 

 

_ To my dearest friends and family. I realize that if you’re reading this I’m probably gone. It means you got my note. Glad to know that worked. Or if it didn’t, well congratulations you’ve made it to Lancey Lance’s post-mortem surprises. Going back to the note it mentioned a witch hunt? Well crazy thing is… _

The words were interrupted by violent looking scarlet drops. 

 

_ Well, I say let the witch hunt begin. I wanted to surprise everyone because I’ve lost close family and friends before and no matter how many times it happens it never gets easier. It’s why I actually hate the smell of flowers. I had walked hand in hand with death for so long that I came to associate flowers with funerals. How’s that for morbid… _

 

_ There's several parts to my plan. First was the actually dying thing. Second was everyone reading this journal. I want everyone to think of what I taught them in life. If anything I did will stick with you forever. I think I’ll explain that more in part 4. Part 3 though, that one I’m looking forward to. Part 3 and 5 go hand in hand so I hope I successfully managed that one. Remember… _

 

Once again the words were disrupted by the scarlet stain, this one larger than the last blocking out the rest of the sentence. 

 

_ I know your probably skimming this right now but this is only to be read after you all read you responses. The one to my family though, that ones private I want only their eyes on that one. :P _

 

Lance literally drew a small face sticking its tongue out at them, through the eyes were more squinty. Like the page was judging them. 

 

_ Hey, wow this is weird to write. I want to preface this by saying that I’m not very good at writing letters, or staying on track so bear with me on this. I wanted to leave you all with something. Something that I hope serves to go more in depth than the goodbyes I planned on attempting to have with everyone. I hope that you all see this page before you find your entry but… I miss everyone I know I’m still technically here but it’s hard. It’s hard to know that you don’t have time to do and say all that you want to be known. It's hard to articulate sometimes Because sometimes what I feel, I don’t have the words to describe it, not in spanish or in english. I think that there's a word for that, not being able to describe what your seeing or feeling. I think it’s Latin. In? In------ Also ignore the spelling and grammar errors, most of you know english is not my first language, but I’d like to think that I know it well enough to say my goodbyes.  _

 

The word he’d found was hidden by blood, a new trend the Paladins were preparing themselves to face as they read Lance’s words.

 

_ So, umm without further adue, is that how you spell it? I wish written writing stuff had like autocorrect or ummm spell check cause this is hard guys. I can’t spell for shit. Pidge you need to invent that. Give me partial credit, but I guess when you win some fancy prize for that you can put your name on there too. Adieu there we go. So without further adieu _

 

_ To my dear friends and family. It’s been an interesting journey to say the least, and though mine may have ended here, know that I’ll be with you every step of the way. I know that you guys will defeat the biggest bad, and maybe piercing the veil will have shown me what will happen, the paths this reality can take. I think I’m starting to understand Slav now, there are infinite possibilities. Ughhh I hate that I said that. I’m definitely not okay if I’m writing about Slav while on my deathbed. Or pre-death bed, cause I was serious about the dying in a bed of my flowers. Don’t test me Hunk. It’s my dying wish thank you very much. Let me sit in a pile of the little shits I coughed up, at least let them do something for me. _

 

_ No matter how much I’ve tried to prepare myself for this its kinda scary. Knowing you have a timer counting down the end of your life, not knowing what happens next. The fear of the inevitable. It's silly when you think about it. Death is a natural thing, something that happens to everyone. But it's funny that we go out of our way to ignore it. I know my jokes have grown rather morbid but it's a coping mechanism. I’m an insecure person, I have my faults, i have my weaknesses and loneliness is one of them. One thing I heard often growing up was you come into this world alone, and your going to leave it alone. I know it applied to taking care of myself because that's not something you can truly ask of another, but I think its applicable here. Your born by yourself, and you die by yourself. It’s different for everyone.  _

 

_ I volunteered at a nursing home a lot when I was growing up. Old people always share the best stories. I caught myself wondering what I would have done in their situation. But honestly, I can tell you I don’t know. Some accepted their fate of death, others fought it every step of the way. I can tell you having a bit of both makes it more bearable. You have to accept that there's a natural order to things, that it’s God’s will, but you have to stay strong for those around you. I know all of you were too nice to tell me how awful I looked, I know how bad, i looked more corpse like as the final days grew near. I looked like a mere husk of what I’d been, hollowed out by grief and pain. But you all despite the suffering I caused you, all of you managed to keep me strong. Managed to help me accept my end, I’m sure I babbled some nonsense and I’m sure my health deteriorated further, though how much so I’d rather not imagine. Choking on my own blood was bad enough. It was as bad as that time I nearly drowned swimming in a storm. I think when Hunk mentioned my yelling in Spanish my subconscious was reliving that moment. They felt eerily similar.  _

 

_ But I have a plan it seems I succeeded in Part 1, which means you’ve made it to Part 2. Y’all are gonna hate me for part 3 but hey why the heck not right? I think I’m gonna have a grand ‘ol time. Watch out Samurai and Gremlin I’m coming for you first. ;)  _

 

Lance once again drew a face, winking at them as if teasing, a testament to his promise. Though a scribble in the next sentence drew their attention. 

 

_ You probably aren’t going to like bits of Part 4 but I had to. Those ….. were ruined for me (oh, bold of you to assume I’d give it away. Where's the fun in that. It's a two way street put some effort into this. But Part 4 explains a bit more about me. About who I was, who I aspired to be. It’s a side you may not have known was there. I challenge you now to think of what I taught you. What my presence in you life helped you to understand, what my lasting legacy was for each of you. Thats poor english but you get the gist. Think on it. Dígame cuando nos encontremos otra vez. _

 

_ Onward space rangers, find your saying and the last words should be a clue. And if its really that bad I’ll spell it out for you in the part where I address you all after the individual pages. Geeze I hope this journal is big enou- HOLY SHIT THE PAGES MULTIPLY IF YOU-  _

 

The Paladins laugh before thumbing to their entry. 

  
  



	2. 2. Goldilocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunks letter
> 
> The poem is "A friend" by Gillian Jones: https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/a-friend-183/

Hunk stared at the pages before him. His heart giving a weak twinge. He was reading Lance’s journal in his room. A room that still smelled of flowers and his best friends shampoo. He took a shaky breath, laughing quietly as he noted that Lance had predicted an order for how they’d come into possession of his journal. Hunk’s name was of course first. He decided against previewing the other’s notes, as tempting as the thought may have been, wanting their words from Lance to be their only. He smiled softly at the title of his entry. Written in a bold and slightly loopy font was, “A friend”

 

Hunk knew Lance had a mild obsession with poetry. Liked to see the world from a romantic perspective. It was one of the ways he learned english. Back at the Garrison Lance would find poems, print them out then clip them to anything it remind him of. He seemed to have recalled some of his favorites for his friends. Hunk’s poem was by Gillian Jones. 

 

Before his lengthy note sat a clipping of the poem he quoted to Hunk. *See summary for more information*

 

“A person who will  listen and not condemn

***Someone on whom you can depend***

They will  not flee when bad times are here

Instead they will be there to  lend an ear

***They will think of ways to make you smile***

So you can be happy for a while

When times are good and happy there after

They will be there to  share the laughter

Do not forget your friends at all

For they pick you up when you fall

Do not expect to just take and hold

*****Give friendship back, it is pure gold.***** ” 

 

Hunk sniffled, wiping the tears from his eyes as he read it. There was a small key off to the right of the poem. Hunk, loving the annotations Lance had added, noted that based on the key the underlined phrases he reminded Hunk of constantly, the stars for “what Hunk was”, the circles for the “don’t you forget it”. It’s also why Lance occasionally called him goldilocks while they were alone. A silly little mistake he made when he was little trying to say gold or something along those lines, but one that stuck nonetheless. 

 

Lance like to remind Hunk that he was his first friend when his family moved, Hunk remembered the dorky kid, the one with the bright blue eyes, the untameable mop of curls, the wide, blinding smile full of missing teeth. The happy Lance that spoke spanglish, the one that felt too much, the one that gave up parts of himself to appease others. He was always giving, never taking, when he did try to the world seemed to swallow up those desires. 

 

Hunk remembers Lance’s first girlfriend, the nice to your face kind but a backstabbing snake when she was left to her own devices. She stole from Lance, used him for convenience, used him for other things, and he let himself be led because he thought that’s how love was supposed to be. Thought that having someone was better than being alone. Hunk tried not to remember the night he found Lance curled into a tight ball, sobbing, in the midst of a panic attack over something she said, a ploy to manipulate him. For the boy who feels too much, an attempt like that would have him nose diving into dangerous territory. 

 

Hunk breathed, in. Out. In. before glancing back at his note, trying to steer himself towards happier memories of his best friend, though nothing could replace the gaping hole in his heart. He started at the beginning: 

  
  


_ Hunk, Hunk-a-licious, my hunka’ burnin’ love, Goldilocks (lol), but more importantly, my best friend, my brother, _

 

_ I’m going to go out on a whim? I think that's the saying, that you’re the first to get the journal. Honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way. Your’s was the hardest to write, even harder than my family’s if I’m being honest. I have so much to tell you so much left unsaid. Not enough space or words in all the realities to tell you how much I love and appreciate you, how much you’ve done for me, how much you’ve helped me grow.  _

 

_ I want you to know that this is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Something that I’ve been dreading because I know it will hurt. Will hurt you more. I know that this will open healing wounds, but it’s up to you to keep them clean, keep them from festering into something dark and ugly. I hate myself for putting you through this, you whose been nothing but kind and accepting. I hope you won’t hold it against me that much.  _

 

_ Part of me wishes I could make copies of this, for each of you to have your words to yourselves. No matter how much I prepared for this its still hard. It’s honestly awful. I’m scared Hunk. I know I can tell you that. I can tell you anything. It’s so easy, your the embodiment of sunshine, a bright smiling ray in this unforgiving void of space. A light in the dark. Your the person the team turns to for support. For help, someone who listens. Listening is a great strength and you’re the strongest person I know. _

 

_ I’ve always admired that about you, the ability to see the best in everyone (well except maybe Nyma and Rolo) but I love that about you. You’re willing to look past differences and barriers to know the person at their core. I’ve found myself more often than not thinking of how i could better myself and believe it or not it usually started with asking myself “what would Hunk do?” I know it sounds silly but, I really looked up to and admired you. Wow look at that I’m crying… _

 

There were circled watermarks on the page, a few letters looking a bit runny. Hunk sniffled laughing a little, saying softly, “Oh, Lance.” Hunk felt the choking sensation that came with fighting back tears, the strain on his throat to keep the sobs at bay. 

 

_ But seriously Hunk _ , the entry picked back up

_ Be honest with me did you ever imagine that sneaking out of the Garrison that night would lead us here. I thought you know maybe we’d sneak into town for a bit, meet some cute girls, or guys, and figure out what was up with Pidge. I never thought she’d be as invested in Aliens and space as she was. I never imagined we’d spring Shiro from quarantine, that we’d run into Keith, that we’d find giant flying mechanical lions. How we’d end up so far into space on a planet, which just so happened to have a breathable atmosphere.  _

 

Hunk laughed at that because it truly was convenient that Arus was safe for humans.

_ … A planet of interesting creatures and a castle that was over 10,000 years old with two cranky aliens. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that meeting. Not ever. It’s just…. I know that somewhere deep down it was a predetermined course of events but I hope that you don’t hate me for dragging you away. I know I used to joke about being in a space exploration program and not having a sense of adventure. I can’t help but feel guilty for all the times you’ve taken a fall with me.  _

 

“I could never be mad at you Lance, you know that.” Hunk choked out, tears in free fall.

 

_ I’m sorry I took you away from all you’d ever known, from the comforts of home. I know you miss your parents, likely just as much as I miss my own. You were my first friend Hunk and I want to thank you for sticking with me until my end. You have no idea how much that means to me. I miss our families. I felt so close with yours that they’re essentially my family too. I miss them Hunk I really do. I know that they’d have advice for us, that they’d fight over who got to prepare the homecoming feast. Making their famous foods (lol) OH! That reminds me, don’t tell Mama but I wrote down some of the McClain family secret recipes, some of my favorites, ones you’ve asked for but she refused to let you watch her make. Promise me you’ll make them for the team, show them what happens when you get the Garretts and McClains together for a celebration. Knock the socks off the Alien leaders. Wait do all aliens wear socks? Do you think the blade wear socks? Can you ask Keith for me? I’ll make a note to ask him that in his entry… Back to the recipes I have them on loose paper, labeled to Goldilocks (lol). I have a couple things in there for the others. But you’ll likely be able to guess who’se is whose. My brain hurts, so much thinking. I think my spelling has been mostly decent but its getting to a point I can’t really see what I’m writing anymre.  _

 

Hunk paused his reading flipping to the back cover noted the neatly folded pink pages, checking over the name's laughing a bit as he regarded the others. Yes it was obvious who was who. He plucked the ones that said Goldilocks out of the pile placing them on the bed next to him. He sniffled, working up the courage to continue reading. To potentially open the recipes. His attention caught on the journal again, he rubbed his face, hastily wiping the tears before continuing to read, he’d check the recipes after.

 

_ I meant to ask did you bring the watch to space? The one your uncle gave you? Is it still set to earth time? What time is at home? I think he’d push you to blow the tastebuds off of the diplomats you’ve come across. I bet he’d love to hear your stories. I wonder if I’ll go to the same place as him after this. I hope I do, he was a wonderful man Hunk. Your remind me so much of him, the man was a giant teddy bear, soft and comforting. He’s a big reason I enrolled in the Garrison. Him and my Abuelo. I miss them both so much. They were so important to me finding my place in the world. Granted, I never thought it’d be drowing in flowers but I was always too curious for my own good. I can’t remember if I told you but the day you said I was choking on my own blood reminded me of when I disgarded his warnings and went to the ocean in a storm. The waves crashing, taller than even a house. I’m not sure why, I think the whipping rain should have been warning enough but you know me, I never back down from a challenge, like ummmm McFly syndrome lol. I drowned in the ocean that day. The rip current pulled me under and out into the ocean. My abelo had a 6th sense for Lance’s bullshit radar and manages to make it to the jetty and grab me before I was pulled too far. He had to drag me to the beach and resuscitate me. I learned my lesson, I was so scared Hunk. Despite nearly drowing I was thinking that the ocean was a beautiful thing. I guess I’ve always been a sucker for the mysterious and the beauftul. I think it might be too soon to make that joke but… theres gotta be points for selfawareness.  _

 

_ I apologize again for sticking the burden of telling my family. I hope that if all goes according to plan I can clear things up for them that I can somehow make this better. Easier for them, easier for you all. I think that maybe after all of you defeat Zarkon and the rest of the Empire, that you should all tell them. That way it’s not on one person to hold the burden. It’s easier to share, right, bud?  _

 

“Right,” Hunk breathed, a hint of a laugh pushing the sound from his lips, though distorted by the whine of his crying. 

 

_ I can’t imagine what my family thinks. Abuela must be worried sick, I know she’d beat my ass for worrying the family. She may be a petite woman but she still knows how to hit where it hurts, especially the ego. That ones always a killer. Papa would likely hold it together a bit better but he’d be worried sick, I know that he’d throw himself into his work to cope and it pains me to think about. He reminds me a lot of Pidge, a genius who will try to distract himself from the issue. Because if he doesn’t acknowledge it then it’s not real. Watch out for Keith and Pidge, of and Shiro something tells me they won’t cope well. Granted none of you will but they remind me of my papa. You sir, better take care of yourself. I know you, and know when you are stressed and upset that you tend to ignore your body’s basic needs. I wont be there to remind you this time but please try bud. My mama, oh dear. She’d probably kill me. For the stunt, for disappearing and not telling her, for getting involved in this space war. She would have loved to have thrown us a feast. I wonder if our vlogs and the statements we recorded for out families will ever make it back there… I hope it does. I want them to see it. To ease their worry. Give them even a little bit of hope. Although it might be cruel for them to see me alive when I’m not… Veronica, I’ll miss she likes to tease me but since I was the youngest she looked after me. I think I was the closest to her. I wonder if she knows anything about what happened with Shiro cause she works for the Garrison? Marco and Luis I’ll miss and the kiddos, Rachel, I feel like I’m obligated to say I’ll miss her a lot. Being twins and her being older by a few minutes can do that. I mis them all so much Hunk. Give them all a giant hug for me. Call it a Leg Special. Cause we’re still the best leg buddies, no offense to Allura.  _

 

Hunk tried not to cringe as he noticed that as the entry wore on that there were more and more stains on the pages, the rich scarlet of his blood, a few stray petals, and lots of tears. 

 

_ I hope that you all continue the fight against Zarkon. I hope that you’ll still manage to be as kind hearted and friendly to all those you rescue from his clutches. I hope that you’ll help everyone. I know that you’ll be an excellent diplomat. I’ve known you had it in you since I met you. You have a unique kind of strength. And honestly, Hunk you have the best strength. You’re the bravest of all of us Paladins. You’ve been scared since day one but you never let that stop you. You kept going, kept pushing on, kept going because it was the right thing to do. The universe owes you so much for dealing you such a rough card, but Hunk keep being that wonderful ray of sunshine. Keep being the hunk-a-licious man the universe needs. I know that a certain Balmeran will be more than overjoyed to see you. Hunk I give you and Shay my blessing. I’m sure that if you meet anyone else I’ll know and I’ll give you a sign. Remember realtionships without my blessing usually end in disaster. Too bad it doesn’t translate to my own love life huh. Or was that too soon? _

 

_ I hate doing this to all of you, leaving you. Hurting you more. I’ve been trying so hard to think of ways to ease the sting that's what the multiple part post-mortem plan is. It’s a means of getting you all to come to terms with loss. I know everyone on this castle ship has lost someone important to them. I know that my passing, or parting? Passing? Ugh whatever you know what I mean. I know that my… yeah. Will be hard. I know that your used to being the support that holds everyone together. The one that comforts everyone. And i have another selfish request, despite how much I’ve already asked of you. Hunk, I need you to  _ promise _ me you’ll  _ _ look after yourself. _ _ I know when your stressed and upset, and working through things you excessively bake, and that's great if you acTUALLY EAT IT! Promise me you’ll lean on the others to get through this just as much as they lean on you. Promise me Hunk that you’ll still be the kind ray of sunshine you’ve always been. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself. _

 

“I promise,” Hunk choked out, emotions bared. Hands shaking from where they rested on the journal. 

 

A sobbing mess Hunk sat in his friends room looking to and from the small decorations Lance had picked up along their travels. A poster from their show though caught his attention. It was Voltron sans Keith. That hadn’t stopped Lance, sure he was not artist, but he’d added a crudely drawn Keith, got the angry eyebrows down and all. Hunk huffed a laugh before taking the recipes and moving from the room. His heart heavy, and his stomach churning. Lance was gone. But he still cared so much about them. 

 

Hunk shuffled his way to the bridge, where he found the Alteans watching the training room from where they stood in each others arms. Both supporting the other, the soft rises and falls of the alien language undulating in the space between them. Hunk couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding but it was their turn. He cleared his throat, wincing as he saw the figure in the training room take a particularly hard hit to the stomach. The Princess turned, eyes glassy, posture slumped. 

 

“Umm, did you want to go next?” Hunk tired, voice raw. 

 

“Please,” Allura breathed tears welling in her eyes. Hunk nodded and flipped to the page Allura’s note started on, telling her he’d be in the Kitchen if they needed help reading the language. 

 

She hummed in affirmation before taking a seat in Lance’s chair. The Blue Paladin’s seat. Hunk turned on his heel, near sprinting out of the room, trying to outrun the burn of tears, recipes crumpled in his hands. Entering the Kitchen was like returning to a safespace. Somewhere Hunk could create, could just be. 

 

With shaking hands he lifted the recipes, carefully unfolding them, eyes blowing wide before violent sobs shook his body and he collapsed under the strain of his emotions reaching their cumulation. 

  
  



End file.
